bunch of rant.

i know i haven fed my blog in months. i cant believe time is flying so fast. im like one day from my exams and i can stil blog. funny me. maybe im just abit tired. well the past 4-5months have been pretty smooth, in terms of studies, tuition, singing, going for internship interviews, having a few gatherings, spending time with family and all that, yeah.

vday was the best. i had a gd night out with mavis dearest, and as night creeped it, her fren and my fren joined us, for a short while, b4 we all decided to head back home. it was a funny day really, and i love every minute that i spend with her. truly, its a bond thats going to go really far and long, trust me! and yes, our grad proj has been more or less finalised, and we are going to be together for a year! its a great feeling, working alongside and together with a lovely girl. =)

and den i started attending singing practices more frequently. teacher was very happy with my performances, and my singing abilities. i just wanna show her my everything and prove her that her efforts on me will never ever be wasted!

right now, i am just quite immune to alot of things. basically issues about commitment, marraige etc. i mean,yeah ure getting older, and soon ill be 22, and den 23 and all that, but commitment is such a scary word. One moment u think someone will be this and that, and the next moment, it all seems like a dream when some funny, wierd side of the person surfaces. u are just thrown aside, in shock or in relief.i dunno.

some ppl are generally always the same, they appear and disappear momentarily, and you have those silent moments in your life where u guys dont really communicate, but yea after a couple of months u decide to pick up the phone, and ring them to hear their voice. you know that u haven fully made them happy, and yes the other party also knows ure getting to know others. so whats the big deal?

its a funny game, the game of securing someone forever. i dun wanna use the word love, cos till now i dun really know how to define it or what it feels like. yes i have felt those hormone rushes and crushes, but is that love? of course not. i feel that when some things are meant to happen, they will. i mean, someone can be really persistent with stuff, but thats not going to make things turn out in his favour. some people keep saying "u know, i have always wanted to live with u, why are u always bringing your parents in..", i mean yeah when i hear that i get abit relieved, but den once i head back home, i think abt them again, and whatever this particular person told me hours ago, just doesnt stay in my head. i think i selectively choose what to hear and what not to retain. Am i plain stubborn?

i mean. its like if u were really serious about me, number 1, fight for me. fight for this thing, like uve never. But, if u are making more friends, doesnt really prove anything to me. if u tell me ure a natural girl magnet and ...its unsettling me. emotional infidelity is in question, isnt it. if ure going to lay back and relax and say, i know we are meant to be together, and just dun really do much..than what am i going to think? i mean yeah, u stil got so much growing up to do, u ve gotta finish sch, get a job..etc..so many hurdles, of cos i cant imagine u fighting for this. its love, after all, that uve wanted..physical intimacy, am i right to say? but i cant give all that..i cannot do that.

as i type this, i do realise im a complicated person. i think ive just seen so much in life, than im scared to start talking about my experiences to just about anyone at times. its true, ive made friends along the way, friends who ill keep for a long time, but i doubt if they will ever be my best friends. its funny, u know, how different people react at different times. just when u mite be trying to mend your relationship with someone, u know very well they are harbouring "getting attached" intentions with someone else. its scary rite..

i dun go out and tell someone, look here im interested in u, lets date, or better still, lets get attached. No! Hell No. i dun do that. i tell them, look u seem like a nice enough person. i appreciate you. thanks ..and lets be gd friends. if the friendship is going well, ill tell them , ure a nice person and i like u as a person.. and thats why i feel there is something gd about our friendship.

But..its always a battle really. ive seen so many different ppl, listened to many, talked to alot, had dinner with many. my mum will always ask me, why do u go out with guys, why not girls. i find that a funny question, like redundant. but really, i see and experience many more things with them i guess. they dont affect me personally, but i build up my self when with guys. with girls, my self doesnt really undergo much change or growth i guess, it just solidifies and remains kinda stable. but with guys, i end up questioning myself alot, i reveal a couple of things here and there, and listen to their experiences and thoughts about ppl and abt girls in general. i dunno, i just see more qualitative experiences with them i guess. they are one of the reasons for who i am today.. i may never have been this way if not for the guys ive mixed with. they taught me alot of things, from confidence, to maturity, to walking styles, to the way i talk, to the way i shld open up and the way i smile, also the way i dress.. just so many. its funny huh.

i know, this is just a huge bunch of rant. i am just feverishly typing here. just to get the load of my brain. i just want to be happy. and i just dun wanna mix with anyone who might harm my reputation or my success in any way possible. my life is at stake here.