tsk tsk

its been a wonderful few weeks. thus far ive slept quite alot, dealt with my cramps very effectively, hung out with my close grp of galfrens and had a few outings, like iceskating for hours,hanging out at eateries in tekka, watching a movie at yishun that was totally fun, chilling out session at starbucks and running into a few other ole time friends there, shopping for prezzies, attending my friend's 21st at a chalet and the list will stretch in the coming days with more plans taking place.. its been blissful really.

i must say i haven had proper meet-ups with my close psych gang of friends..the gang is dispersing.perhaps noone really initiates anything..i dun blame them or anything.. like what kenneth says, its not much of gang already.everyone has their own lives, friends, bfs, family, work, etc to attend to. so what does that leave us with? Today's much awaited simpang bedok outing was postponed. i hope it somehow takes place soon, but i mite be wrong. on the 27th ,one member of our "gang" leaves for seattle. our grp identity has faded, and it nears extinction soon, as we approach the start of our last year. this wasn't sth we had expected, once we were those twinkle eyed grp of freshies, making strong bonds.what has happened now? or am i thinking too much ,like kenneth? :(

i have a fear..a fear i wont get the kind of honours beside my BA(psych). getting a degree is one thing..but i hv always wanted to do my masters. i mean, its not impossible. but looking at the way things are going (stupid Stats..and the ever smart ppl in psych), i am suddenly afraid. this fear has been plaguing me ever since Stats came into my life last sem, and now the fear seems to hv multiplied as i near the end.. i always wanna make my parents proud..i just dun want to end up with some third class, no point in getting, hons. haiz.

and today, i was thinking, why not be a teacher. go to NIE after getting my degree, and after 2 yrs ill be at some sec sch teaching. i can do that part time while working somewhere else as a counsellor or sth, if its possible. i do feel the calling to be a teacher...especially since i see so much i can do with my kids, why not do it as a profession?

the raging emotions in ppl, i think.

its funny how when u wanna be yourself, free and easy, how ppl who thought u were only theirs at one pt of time, keep checking on u, again and again, now, when everythings done away with.

like how my friend white specs, til today, kaypos on me and asks if ive found anyone interesting, aka if im attached. he knows he has no chance wadsoever now, cos i ve already made it clear to him, but u know ppl sometimes hold onto that small tinge of hope that one day things wil go like they hv always wanted. i mean i dun blame them. its effort justification. hmm.

that one isnt so bad. i usually laugh it off. but my recent, sara, he has been the most upset. he hasnt had many gal friends, and been att only once. he felt immediate connection with me and felt extremely happy. but when i openly told him i wasn't attracted to him 'that way', he was upset, yes crushed. but he told me he wil try harder, to improve. but u know, there are some things u can never change. for example, height, colour, face structure, voice, energy level (maybe) , body structure so on and so forth. does he have cognitive dissonance? or issit effort justification again at work. but if thats the case, it was just 1 mth plus, so how much effort has it wasted. in my opinion, its not that tangible, but to him i guess its alot, especially since im his 'first love'. groan.

personally, i wld want my partner to be dark. dun get me wrong, ive had insecurity with fairer guys. but i dun want someone absolutely dark!! ive always found tall guys appealing. or atleast slightly taller than me. no need to be 1.8 plus all.. just a comfortable height. he must look smart, decent and captivating. am i asking alot?

well thats for HIS side of the story. he has to love my parents too, treat me like a princess. ok the parents part, ive decided to involve only after many many things are settled.

why issit that when i lied to him i went out with "someone" to eat at simpang bedok, he got soooo uneasy?? if he were to do that with a girl, i wld be happy. dun ask me why, but ill be extermely glad that he is getting to know girls. he kept asking me "suspense is killing me", "tell me now on msn itself who u went with", "issit some one u are seeing", etc etc. i got soo annoyed trust me. i mean i can be going out with anyone and everyone but that doesnt mean there are some strings attached. like that how am i supposed to make time for myself?? and i told him in his face directly, even when i was seeing u, i did get to know others. he was like hmmm, u never tell. i said, well i told u i wil tell if im interested in someone or want to see him rite, just normal friends, acquaintances are not in the list. i mean every single day of my life i wil prob get to know so many ppl, bump into a few, admire some, have a crush on a handful, smile at a couple, etc. does that mean im gg to go for them immediately? sigh.

men wil always be men. if ure successful and very pleasing, (attractive in their dictionary to the opp sex,) they wil find out every possible way to track yr steps, be it verbally asking questions, probing u, suggesting sth to see yr reaction etc, and to see which guy u mite be going out with or have some interest on. i mean that interest cld just mean u admire him or feel excited for him or etc, but they HAVE to take it in a different way. geesh.i totally hate this,esp if ure just my friend and ure tryin to breathe down on me. i mean u may be asking me in the most politest manner possible, but i cant take it, as ive never accepted this code of conduct. thus men wil always be men.

im stil waiting for that exception of course. this wldnt stop me from having dreams of getting married. lets see what i get next. LOL

im meeting sara tml. he has been pleading me to make it. i said ok i hope i can. he said after tml he wont disturb me anymore and its apparently for the best, for both of us. i mean i dun feel the least bit connected to him or anything. my mind is open since before deepavali, and its harbouring thoughts of myself n my family. and he feels he is affecting me, but seriously he is not. i just shun him and his words off sometimes, i dunno why, making time for my own world of thoughts.. selfish yes, but its the funny me at work.

ill blog tml. shall rest my tired brain.

after july. till now.

its been many months.. from july til now, many things hv taken plc in my life. a short summary.

1. i started semester 1 of my third year. and boy, it was a ride to remember, honestly. taking all of us by shock and causing us many many many sleepless nights. we went feverish and giddy to school, especially every thurs cos of statistics!!! gosh, that was one hell of a module..every week had to submit a report..not one, not two pages, but a hefty 10-15page long report!!

2. i went for a hosting audition. i think i was successful, i dunno, hv to wait til they call me up.. my fellow friend, also having my name, ended up in a food show.. really cool stuff..

3. i got called up for some shoots for tamil dramas and all. went for a couple

4. my tuition schedule got even moreeeee hectic, with 6 kids to manage!!! and two having Os..u know how demanding it all became!? everyone wanted a part of me!!

5. i had a two day sch week. u all must be saying, unfair. but let me tell u, there were many many cons to it. i mean, yeah i got more sleep, which is undescribably impt for me, but i had many many more obligations, such as tuition and singing lessons.

6. i had temple performances to do, in sept.

7. oh yeah my bday came and went, just like that. lol.the moment i turned 21, i felt super super super old ,trust me, not a veryy nice feeling, but i enjoyed and embraced it. :)

8.exams started inching nearer and nearer. my laptop lcd gave problems, stil giving problems actually haha.

9. i came into touch with my pri sch senior saravanan. he was interesteeeeed in me.

10. contemplation after oct end, and i decided days before deepavali, it cannot work out. i told him so, adamantly he said he wld stil pursue this issue. i said hmph.

11. deepavali came, whee, i bought more saris.

12. went our more often with my parents, and cousin. it was gd. family fun.

13. dun really remember gg out with my friends much.hmmm. tts sad eh?

14. vik aka white specs went ns in july. he called me a few times here and there, but everything stopped after deepavali.

15. amala, my babydoll,got hospitalised..but she is happily att! so glad for her.

16. devan said he was att, but apparently he lied.

17. my mum went for dental checkups at nuh.

18. i got a new samsung K3Qb touchpad mp3 for my bday.. :) thks daddy. ure da best.

19. It pulled my leg, by pretending to die. the charger got abit muddled, tts all.

20. i had many dreams..many many.

21. studied wit bala in sch a couple of times. also met ranjani in sch.

22. exams were alrite. the studying part was crazy, but not as crazy as STATISTICS!!

23. thinesh asked me whether i had feelings for him. hmm. i said i never saw him that way. his fren was disappointed.

24. i realised my parents meant alot to me, im prepared to throw away other nonsense for them, just for them.

25. hmmm. i got gastric a couple of times.

26. my carnatic teacher praised me and explained my potential to my parents.

27. ryan admitted he stil missed me, and wanted to meet me in dec when hes back frm aussie.

28. i bought moree clothes.

29. i accidently met hema after she returned to spore!

30. realised me and sara are poles apart. in terms of looks, expressions,etc. i mean thoughts wise we may be similar, but that doesnt show anything.

31. ken is flying off on 27th!! going to miss him super super alot :(

32. some of my old old juniors started adding me on friendster! such a nicee feeling.

33. i lost some weight! :)

34. i made new frennnssss. its always gd to widen yr social network!



alot of things, alot of thoughts. but i realised in this journey, that some ppl hv made a very gd impression on my parents till today, while some have never and will never. its sad really, when u get flashbacks. the kind of person uve wanted cannot be there for u anymore, nor can the person(s) who wants u have u. sad eh. as i inch towards 22, i think this life is going to get alot more interesting. tho im technically old, my parents stil think im their cute lil girlie..but i wanna be that way with them, i love being showered with all their love.its okay if they think ive not grown up, cos ill pretend like i haven with them.. but i ll show my true self with others definitely..

it has been a hectic week.

i met him on sunday, but time flew. initially wanted to meet at 1pm, but u see i cldnt get up in the morning and my tuition was frm 1230-2pm, and after that the bus took years to come and i reached tamp mrt at like a wonderful 315pm. so by the time i reached cityhall was, 340pm! HHHHHAIX. anti-climax. he had to leave abt 6plus to head home for some family dinner thing, so u see, we had VERY LITTLE time left to spend. cldnt even catch a movie. the much awaited day was suddenly so boring, sigh.. we just went to Dhoby,PS, had lunch. i, as usual, wil take really long to eat remember, so i ended my meal at 5pm. and den after that headed to arcade, he was playing some soccer game so i sat down beside him and watched him do his stuff. it was fun.. i enjoyed it, this carried on til 530pm, he was all excited over the match and i was giving him encouragement :) after that we took a bus ride to Jurong East, i was talking to him so much on the bus..he said e thing he liked most abt me was my frankness.


and well alot of nice things were said that day. it was memorable, tho short. time just flew.

of course he likes to argue with me at times, and i do too, but i guess there is sth that makes us give in or to laugh it off..

wedding plus monday 02/07/07

is this meeeeee? :D look different again eh?

warm greetings to one and all.

<<>

so lemme see back to the entry proper.. i went for my bestie's wedding on sat. all along i was thinking sun, luckily my fren veena gave me an sms reminder! anyway, yeah it was great stuff, but only prob is i cldnt get the freaking taxi after waiting frm 7pm til nearly 8pm, gave up , got exasperated and took train to dhoby, took a quick walk towards the tank road temple,and to my dismay the groom had tied the thali around the neck of my BESTIE! i was abit devastated upon receiving this news via sms from my other fren who got to witness the entire proceedings frm 730pm, just when i was stone's throw away from the temple. oh well. had dinner with her and mum. went to say our congratulations to groom and bride. i nearly wanted to tear but was holding back. i felt happy but at the same time afraid for her, overwhelmed..like who wldnt be?! she was matchmade.. and how much can u understand the to-be husband from late jan til june, while most of the time he is overseas and makes calls each day to you? haiz. is she prepared for this?? she is only 23+..and best part, she has to leave for US in one week. and hence they are celebrating their honeymoon at Sentosa... hope everything works well for them. i really wish them all the best in this. may they have a great married life.. :) but ill really miss my bestie. sigh.... :-(

anyway, so today is monday. guess wad happened??? after school. well lets not start from there. halfway thru my biochem molecules lecture, my phone died! urgh! yucks! ok enuff emotions there. well so like i already fixed cck tuition at 7plus 8pm and planned to meet my dear "white-specs" after his work at 6pm. so u see, when your phone dies, life is kinda tough. i had to use the public phone in school to re-establish contact with my mum and dad, cos they went to the polyclinic. mum has high cholesterol, so i was wondering wad her test results would show. my mum easily gets worried these days, esp when it comes to health matters, but he wld put up a brave front tho mum and i know deep inside he is afraid of wad he was gg to hear and so forth. so yeah, things were fine, heard mum has to take a pill for a mth and see how the situation is. the doc scared her by saying if things persist and she doesnt take medication, she might get *touchwood* stroke,heart attack etc. sigh. the things she has to tell her. so den called my dear and he was like "your phone died so fast!? anyway ill call u once i end work. my phone also one bar. we wil meet at 615-630pm at jurong east control if we cant contact each other.." so thats all. from 130pm i was waiting for time to pass. tutorial was good. i cld answer most of the questions just after one glance at them.. and den during break was planning my timetable. plan 1 is gd. plan 2 abit odd. so need to sort that out soooon. den 430pm enjoyed a mcflurry with my frens and took bus to boonlay. so u see, i was on the train reaching bv at 525pm. far too early. so i gave him a call, but his phone was dead already. sigh. i was abit worried. but i persisted, went to outram, called him frm there, again nth, so i was convinced his phone was dead for sure.. more worried now. i was re-assuring myself. i was telling myself that if God really thought we shld meet, he wld let us. so yeah, at 610pm i reached the agreed upon meeting spot, JE control. i gave a call again, my heart wasnt at rest yet, again it went to his voice mail. i dunno, sending him a voicemail actually made me feel slightly better. urgh. so den. i was just standing there, making myself calm and keeping a lookout for him. it was 615pm. sigh.. nowhere in sight. alot of random people entering..where is he? maybe i missed him already. well lets see...

so at 617pm, my dear comes out of the gantry! he looks around, but doesnt see me walking towards him, i was elated.. and den as i was nearing him, he saw me and started smiling. but i realised he was really very tired. sigh. so den i was narrating to him about wad all i was doing frm 525pm and how i thought i might not get to see him etc, and he was telling me how he thought i wldnt come to JE at the given time..haiz. it felt really good. we had that connection that told us each of us would make it a point to be there for each other.so wad if our HPs die on us!?haha. took a short ride to CCK via bus. thedriver took so long to come and i was talking so much to him.. i was just going on and on and on, and he was listening and replyin patiently. he was tired.. and den we bought drinks at CCK , sat down and talked somemore..it was 750pm. so it was time to leave.. in the end my tuition girl cldnt make it. so we took a ride back to boonlay together. and he was miserably late for dance prac.. we reached boonlay closeto 9pm!


it was a good day. really.. :)

thrs a reason for some things to happen this way. everyday i learn new things. and today i did too. some things he told me made me reflect. hmmm.i never thought someone telling me things wld make me think so much til today... :) its a new experience for me.. truly.and i like going thru this.. esp when u feel secure every moment u think abt the person.. ive never felt it before. but now i sincerely do.




























anyway..here are some pics from the wedding day!..













Me and my mummy..looking pretty together.








veena girl and me, abit blur outside temple..blurr.







me at home after the tiring day..slack pose.. :D

wad an entry.

this is my blog. today i shall write down how im feeling.

right now its 1150pm. im very tired.usually im not.but unusually i am. i went to visit my tuition girls family today.they were very nice hospitable ppl, the kids are adorable.ill be the tutor for the p6 girl. apparently she has 'exam paper stress'. i can go on but im tired. sigh.





its 1153pm. just heard my fren is acting in NUS samarpanam..


1155pm. my fren's wedding is tml. i thought sun. so tml can't watch transformers with him.


1158pm. i find myself on friendster searching for my going-to-ROM friend's profile.sharks, cant find.





12.01am. hmmm. my mum is yawning. i agree im quite disappointed. but its okay. atleast i practiced my varnam just now.





12.03am my fren asked if i wanna chat on the phone now. No way.. i cant talk on e phone at nite., unless for one exception.





12.04am i think im hallucinating and jaded. i shldnt go on. its not gd. i feel high. and very exhausted.and i cant find my fren's profile..wth.





12.05am ... what am i thinking abt...?





12.06am..since last sat have been thinking alot abt this person.. i really wonder why and how it started.. :P





12.10am..i m actually giving my fren an explanation abt dating..wah lau..





12.12am..i nearly had a fight w my fren cos he said he wanted to date me one day.





12.13am.. i miss u-know-who, tho i acted angry towards him that day, i actually do treasure him. i just dont know how to show certain things.. sigh.. but i do hold him deeply in my heart.





12.13am.. i shld go slp..








12.14am. lets see when i can meet him next. can't wait ... he and his white specs.. :)

12.16am.. i wish it was a wkday. nowadays wkends arent great. just more tuition.. :-(

12.17am. argh.monday got lessons. so much to study! am i getting stressed..cannot..

12.18am. i miss him. bleh. i had to type that again. cos i genuinely do. i told him, i express alot of things thru words and smses.. not via speaking. i hope its not bad. :(

those were the days. great pics. great company.

heres vjay, jaga, and anwar..wad are they up to!?!?! and also presenting......applegirls.kasturi.sailaja.and myself.... whee...postmoksha chalet at fairy pt !

me and kasturiii !

hmmm...fun@ post moksha chalet indeed.... :)

lots of posing!

awww...how adorable we all look! BLISS!

so far. in perspective.

look whos back! heyheyhey.

its been a loooong absence, i know. i miss all my frens.i miss my tuition kids.i miss my long nights.i miss movie-marathonning.i miss alot of things. well april til june was one hell of a hectic timespan. school, exams, Moksha practices and preparations, MOKSHA on june 2nd. and i took a good one week to catch up with my all-impt sleep! got back not long ago from the chalet party. they had bbq food, cold drinks, and a dance floor with a great sound system. i liked that. so we danced away, frm 9plus til 1040pm. it was fun. left the really ulu Fairy point Bungalow 1 and came back to my sweet haven, my home. luckily, for once i stayed near, at Bedok. i had alot to smile about as a result, while all my other frens were panicking and worrying abt getting home. :)

well these few mths have made me realise a couple of things. politics is one thing. and den comes time management. and den parents, and how much they need u to spend time with them.this has been overstated since 2yrs back, i know. sometimes it feels like they are leeches stuck onto u. i guess i had been childish. sometimes it feels like they know too much. it feels like they just wana rule over u. But, at the end of the day. i guess my parents do realise they have to let go off me, bit by bit. they were the ones who asked me to go for the chalet today. but i didnt wanna stay anyway. no matter how much i fight with them, i really treasure them, i wldnt be who i am today if not for them. i swear.

ive a new fren. i call him "white specs" fondly :) knew him since april, thru a tamil talk show. been talking, going out places since then. and surprisingly, we bumped into each other at the mariamman temple a few weeks back, and thus he met my mum, exchanged some words with her. best part, he wanted to intro me to his dad and bro, cos he was there becos his cousin was getting married. initially iwas like, no way why must i see yr bro and father etc.. but he kept saying, pls pls. so i was like fine. saw his dad, shook hands, exchanged a few sentences, mum said hi to him, his bro was looking at us frm a corner. so that was that.

Moksha came. the 2 daysbefore moksha, was Vesak day. very gd, i called him to come follow me so i can buy clothes. he was a great help, trust me. he was telling me wad style to choose, wad colours to get, wad kind of pants wil suit me, wad kind of tube, chain, he patiently waited for me to change into the clothes and asked me to show him after wearing them..like he was the only guy there la haha..etc.. so yeah after checking out the entire bugis 3-4times, we went to dhoby this fashion, and ta da! found all the necc items. den went back with him to JP, got some accessories and an exciting chain, and went back to school. a GREAT day it was. den Moksha came. he came with his troop of friends who were dressed in pink, but he was dressed smartly, long sleevedshirt and pants, but unshaven, haahahah. so he saw my parents after the show at the reception, (i was backstage all the while so i didnt know wad was happening) thus he stepped out of this circle of frens and bravely went to talk to my mum and said hi to my dad. apparently he kept talking to my mum and not much to dad, so dad was like hmm. hewas telling abt his work, his sore eye and all that to mum. so than i finally came to the reception told him thks for making it to the show and we all left and he went back to meet his frens. so that day was over. the day after moksha, he asked me out to angmokio to catch a dance comp, and so i went. he said he was wearing black and white, and so i followed suit, was careful not to wear heels. (: the show was okay. he was keeping me company, met a few ppl i knew. he was looking out for any probs guys mite pose. he made me feel like i wasnt alone there so yeah, that was gd, tho his frens were there too. he followed me back to Bedok, and he wentback home himself. (=

so now..sat is just born. he had a guest performance yesterday at toapayoh cc, kept asking me to go for it, but i cldnt.i do feel bad til now. he immediately called me at 11pm to ask where i was, and whether i was home safetly. :)

thts all for now. my parents do find him nice, respectful and well-spoken. just dun wan history to repeat itself so i am just gg to be cautious. i dun wan him to get serious abt anything as yet. and ill want to be his best fren for now, ive mentioned this to him... :) nth beats a great friendship, and i knw he is a nice soul.. and i know he wld treasure me deeply. he always says " i miss u alot more den u do.."

for me to continue, give me some time. perhaps after sun i wld update my blog again.

love each and everyone of u. pls take care.

Revat

heyozz..

times hv changed. and the winds are blowing in a different direction, steering me towards certain regions ive not dared to explore for sometime. i am more or less a free bird who roughly knows wad she feels. i dont wanna spend time on redundant issues, nor wld i wanna be a part of sth more complex den a spider web. i need my life to be peaceful, error-free, and my feelings to be in check. i dont need reassurance ALL the TIME. just a plain remembrance is all tt i wld need. a msg a week, a call fortnightly.. an initiative to meet up maybe once a week... is tt alot to ask for? if it is, just smsing wld be fine already. tt shows that we are still friends. right now, there is nth to label this as friendship. zehro, zilch, merci, but this is what it is.

i dont wanna stare and revisit the track tt leads to the closed door. i have drifted off to another path to a wide open door. i haven entered it yet just exploring and enjoying the path tt leads to it.... its been a long time.

i hv a hardened crust yet again, but my core is boiling intermittently. Internally i hv become more supple. ive been working too hard. its time to let lose abit.

i need to enjoy the finer things in life, w/o stress pressure or tension.

i want this world to be a happier place.

some answers hv finally surfaced. my myelinated dendrons and axons hv sent the specific signals to the neurons in my brain, limbs, heart etc, releasing certain Neurotransmitters frm the many vesicles found at the nerve endings..

NTs include : "hatred-ine..", "ignorancilin" , " heck-alinne..." etc etc

direct application of biopsych here, dont mind me.

okay some good news.

PICS!!

post kacheri exclusive... how is it?

looking sweet?

i lurveee my sari. someone commented on friendster i looked hot , in a pityful typical indian ahbeng lingo... gdness. more shocking den pleasant. sighz.

looking abit tired. but of course, always having time to smileeee... :-)

yeah and i love the combi of colours on my saree.

and lately i attended a wedding. temple + lunch reception at the banana leaf appollo. iwas feelingmore stressed den the wedding couple for some reason.. LOL..

k k i only hv energy for this entry. the rest have to wait. time to sleep. ive been having early mornings and late nights since the start of this week. dont i deserve some ounce of relaxation. like REAL i am gg to get it....

oof its sat tml!! (phew in french)

auvoir!

:D

ahem ahem.

oh my. ... oh god oh my...

the scandalous picture!!!

wahahaha. look at how red shawn is?! gdness me.