its been a wonderful few weeks. thus far ive slept quite alot, dealt with my cramps very effectively, hung out with my close grp of galfrens and had a few outings, like iceskating for hours,hanging out at eateries in tekka, watching a movie at yishun that was totally fun, chilling out session at starbucks and running into a few other ole time friends there, shopping for prezzies, attending my friend's 21st at a chalet and the list will stretch in the coming days with more plans taking place.. its been blissful really.
i must say i haven had proper meet-ups with my close psych gang of friends..the gang is dispersing.perhaps noone really initiates anything..i dun blame them or anything.. like what kenneth says, its not much of gang already.everyone has their own lives, friends, bfs, family, work, etc to attend to. so what does that leave us with? Today's much awaited simpang bedok outing was postponed. i hope it somehow takes place soon, but i mite be wrong. on the 27th ,one member of our "gang" leaves for seattle. our grp identity has faded, and it nears extinction soon, as we approach the start of our last year. this wasn't sth we had expected, once we were those twinkle eyed grp of freshies, making strong bonds.what has happened now? or am i thinking too much ,like kenneth? :(
i have a fear..a fear i wont get the kind of honours beside my BA(psych). getting a degree is one thing..but i hv always wanted to do my masters. i mean, its not impossible. but looking at the way things are going (stupid Stats..and the ever smart ppl in psych), i am suddenly afraid. this fear has been plaguing me ever since Stats came into my life last sem, and now the fear seems to hv multiplied as i near the end.. i always wanna make my parents proud..i just dun want to end up with some third class, no point in getting, hons. haiz.
and today, i was thinking, why not be a teacher. go to NIE after getting my degree, and after 2 yrs ill be at some sec sch teaching. i can do that part time while working somewhere else as a counsellor or sth, if its possible. i do feel the calling to be a teacher...especially since i see so much i can do with my kids, why not do it as a profession?
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
the raging emotions in ppl, i think.
its funny how when u wanna be yourself, free and easy, how ppl who thought u were only theirs at one pt of time, keep checking on u, again and again, now, when everythings done away with.
like how my friend white specs, til today, kaypos on me and asks if ive found anyone interesting, aka if im attached. he knows he has no chance wadsoever now, cos i ve already made it clear to him, but u know ppl sometimes hold onto that small tinge of hope that one day things wil go like they hv always wanted. i mean i dun blame them. its effort justification. hmm.
that one isnt so bad. i usually laugh it off. but my recent, sara, he has been the most upset. he hasnt had many gal friends, and been att only once. he felt immediate connection with me and felt extremely happy. but when i openly told him i wasn't attracted to him 'that way', he was upset, yes crushed. but he told me he wil try harder, to improve. but u know, there are some things u can never change. for example, height, colour, face structure, voice, energy level (maybe) , body structure so on and so forth. does he have cognitive dissonance? or issit effort justification again at work. but if thats the case, it was just 1 mth plus, so how much effort has it wasted. in my opinion, its not that tangible, but to him i guess its alot, especially since im his 'first love'. groan.
personally, i wld want my partner to be dark. dun get me wrong, ive had insecurity with fairer guys. but i dun want someone absolutely dark!! ive always found tall guys appealing. or atleast slightly taller than me. no need to be 1.8 plus all.. just a comfortable height. he must look smart, decent and captivating. am i asking alot?
well thats for HIS side of the story. he has to love my parents too, treat me like a princess. ok the parents part, ive decided to involve only after many many things are settled.
why issit that when i lied to him i went out with "someone" to eat at simpang bedok, he got soooo uneasy?? if he were to do that with a girl, i wld be happy. dun ask me why, but ill be extermely glad that he is getting to know girls. he kept asking me "suspense is killing me", "tell me now on msn itself who u went with", "issit some one u are seeing", etc etc. i got soo annoyed trust me. i mean i can be going out with anyone and everyone but that doesnt mean there are some strings attached. like that how am i supposed to make time for myself?? and i told him in his face directly, even when i was seeing u, i did get to know others. he was like hmmm, u never tell. i said, well i told u i wil tell if im interested in someone or want to see him rite, just normal friends, acquaintances are not in the list. i mean every single day of my life i wil prob get to know so many ppl, bump into a few, admire some, have a crush on a handful, smile at a couple, etc. does that mean im gg to go for them immediately? sigh.
men wil always be men. if ure successful and very pleasing, (attractive in their dictionary to the opp sex,) they wil find out every possible way to track yr steps, be it verbally asking questions, probing u, suggesting sth to see yr reaction etc, and to see which guy u mite be going out with or have some interest on. i mean that interest cld just mean u admire him or feel excited for him or etc, but they HAVE to take it in a different way. geesh.i totally hate this,esp if ure just my friend and ure tryin to breathe down on me. i mean u may be asking me in the most politest manner possible, but i cant take it, as ive never accepted this code of conduct. thus men wil always be men.
im stil waiting for that exception of course. this wldnt stop me from having dreams of getting married. lets see what i get next. LOL
im meeting sara tml. he has been pleading me to make it. i said ok i hope i can. he said after tml he wont disturb me anymore and its apparently for the best, for both of us. i mean i dun feel the least bit connected to him or anything. my mind is open since before deepavali, and its harbouring thoughts of myself n my family. and he feels he is affecting me, but seriously he is not. i just shun him and his words off sometimes, i dunno why, making time for my own world of thoughts.. selfish yes, but its the funny me at work.
ill blog tml. shall rest my tired brain.
like how my friend white specs, til today, kaypos on me and asks if ive found anyone interesting, aka if im attached. he knows he has no chance wadsoever now, cos i ve already made it clear to him, but u know ppl sometimes hold onto that small tinge of hope that one day things wil go like they hv always wanted. i mean i dun blame them. its effort justification. hmm.
that one isnt so bad. i usually laugh it off. but my recent, sara, he has been the most upset. he hasnt had many gal friends, and been att only once. he felt immediate connection with me and felt extremely happy. but when i openly told him i wasn't attracted to him 'that way', he was upset, yes crushed. but he told me he wil try harder, to improve. but u know, there are some things u can never change. for example, height, colour, face structure, voice, energy level (maybe) , body structure so on and so forth. does he have cognitive dissonance? or issit effort justification again at work. but if thats the case, it was just 1 mth plus, so how much effort has it wasted. in my opinion, its not that tangible, but to him i guess its alot, especially since im his 'first love'. groan.
personally, i wld want my partner to be dark. dun get me wrong, ive had insecurity with fairer guys. but i dun want someone absolutely dark!! ive always found tall guys appealing. or atleast slightly taller than me. no need to be 1.8 plus all.. just a comfortable height. he must look smart, decent and captivating. am i asking alot?
well thats for HIS side of the story. he has to love my parents too, treat me like a princess. ok the parents part, ive decided to involve only after many many things are settled.
why issit that when i lied to him i went out with "someone" to eat at simpang bedok, he got soooo uneasy?? if he were to do that with a girl, i wld be happy. dun ask me why, but ill be extermely glad that he is getting to know girls. he kept asking me "suspense is killing me", "tell me now on msn itself who u went with", "issit some one u are seeing", etc etc. i got soo annoyed trust me. i mean i can be going out with anyone and everyone but that doesnt mean there are some strings attached. like that how am i supposed to make time for myself?? and i told him in his face directly, even when i was seeing u, i did get to know others. he was like hmmm, u never tell. i said, well i told u i wil tell if im interested in someone or want to see him rite, just normal friends, acquaintances are not in the list. i mean every single day of my life i wil prob get to know so many ppl, bump into a few, admire some, have a crush on a handful, smile at a couple, etc. does that mean im gg to go for them immediately? sigh.
men wil always be men. if ure successful and very pleasing, (attractive in their dictionary to the opp sex,) they wil find out every possible way to track yr steps, be it verbally asking questions, probing u, suggesting sth to see yr reaction etc, and to see which guy u mite be going out with or have some interest on. i mean that interest cld just mean u admire him or feel excited for him or etc, but they HAVE to take it in a different way. geesh.i totally hate this,esp if ure just my friend and ure tryin to breathe down on me. i mean u may be asking me in the most politest manner possible, but i cant take it, as ive never accepted this code of conduct. thus men wil always be men.
im stil waiting for that exception of course. this wldnt stop me from having dreams of getting married. lets see what i get next. LOL
im meeting sara tml. he has been pleading me to make it. i said ok i hope i can. he said after tml he wont disturb me anymore and its apparently for the best, for both of us. i mean i dun feel the least bit connected to him or anything. my mind is open since before deepavali, and its harbouring thoughts of myself n my family. and he feels he is affecting me, but seriously he is not. i just shun him and his words off sometimes, i dunno why, making time for my own world of thoughts.. selfish yes, but its the funny me at work.
ill blog tml. shall rest my tired brain.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
after july. till now.
its been many months.. from july til now, many things hv taken plc in my life. a short summary.
1. i started semester 1 of my third year. and boy, it was a ride to remember, honestly. taking all of us by shock and causing us many many many sleepless nights. we went feverish and giddy to school, especially every thurs cos of statistics!!! gosh, that was one hell of a module..every week had to submit a report..not one, not two pages, but a hefty 10-15page long report!!
2. i went for a hosting audition. i think i was successful, i dunno, hv to wait til they call me up.. my fellow friend, also having my name, ended up in a food show.. really cool stuff..
3. i got called up for some shoots for tamil dramas and all. went for a couple
4. my tuition schedule got even moreeeee hectic, with 6 kids to manage!!! and two having Os..u know how demanding it all became!? everyone wanted a part of me!!
5. i had a two day sch week. u all must be saying, unfair. but let me tell u, there were many many cons to it. i mean, yeah i got more sleep, which is undescribably impt for me, but i had many many more obligations, such as tuition and singing lessons.
6. i had temple performances to do, in sept.
7. oh yeah my bday came and went, just like that. lol.the moment i turned 21, i felt super super super old ,trust me, not a veryy nice feeling, but i enjoyed and embraced it. :)
8.exams started inching nearer and nearer. my laptop lcd gave problems, stil giving problems actually haha.
9. i came into touch with my pri sch senior saravanan. he was interesteeeeed in me.
10. contemplation after oct end, and i decided days before deepavali, it cannot work out. i told him so, adamantly he said he wld stil pursue this issue. i said hmph.
11. deepavali came, whee, i bought more saris.
12. went our more often with my parents, and cousin. it was gd. family fun.
13. dun really remember gg out with my friends much.hmmm. tts sad eh?
14. vik aka white specs went ns in july. he called me a few times here and there, but everything stopped after deepavali.
15. amala, my babydoll,got hospitalised..but she is happily att! so glad for her.
16. devan said he was att, but apparently he lied.
17. my mum went for dental checkups at nuh.
18. i got a new samsung K3Qb touchpad mp3 for my bday.. :) thks daddy. ure da best.
19. It pulled my leg, by pretending to die. the charger got abit muddled, tts all.
20. i had many dreams..many many.
21. studied wit bala in sch a couple of times. also met ranjani in sch.
22. exams were alrite. the studying part was crazy, but not as crazy as STATISTICS!!
23. thinesh asked me whether i had feelings for him. hmm. i said i never saw him that way. his fren was disappointed.
24. i realised my parents meant alot to me, im prepared to throw away other nonsense for them, just for them.
25. hmmm. i got gastric a couple of times.
26. my carnatic teacher praised me and explained my potential to my parents.
27. ryan admitted he stil missed me, and wanted to meet me in dec when hes back frm aussie.
28. i bought moree clothes.
29. i accidently met hema after she returned to spore!
30. realised me and sara are poles apart. in terms of looks, expressions,etc. i mean thoughts wise we may be similar, but that doesnt show anything.
31. ken is flying off on 27th!! going to miss him super super alot :(
32. some of my old old juniors started adding me on friendster! such a nicee feeling.
33. i lost some weight! :)
34. i made new frennnssss. its always gd to widen yr social network!
alot of things, alot of thoughts. but i realised in this journey, that some ppl hv made a very gd impression on my parents till today, while some have never and will never. its sad really, when u get flashbacks. the kind of person uve wanted cannot be there for u anymore, nor can the person(s) who wants u have u. sad eh. as i inch towards 22, i think this life is going to get alot more interesting. tho im technically old, my parents stil think im their cute lil girlie..but i wanna be that way with them, i love being showered with all their love.its okay if they think ive not grown up, cos ill pretend like i haven with them.. but i ll show my true self with others definitely..
1. i started semester 1 of my third year. and boy, it was a ride to remember, honestly. taking all of us by shock and causing us many many many sleepless nights. we went feverish and giddy to school, especially every thurs cos of statistics!!! gosh, that was one hell of a module..every week had to submit a report..not one, not two pages, but a hefty 10-15page long report!!
2. i went for a hosting audition. i think i was successful, i dunno, hv to wait til they call me up.. my fellow friend, also having my name, ended up in a food show.. really cool stuff..
3. i got called up for some shoots for tamil dramas and all. went for a couple
4. my tuition schedule got even moreeeee hectic, with 6 kids to manage!!! and two having Os..u know how demanding it all became!? everyone wanted a part of me!!
5. i had a two day sch week. u all must be saying, unfair. but let me tell u, there were many many cons to it. i mean, yeah i got more sleep, which is undescribably impt for me, but i had many many more obligations, such as tuition and singing lessons.
6. i had temple performances to do, in sept.
7. oh yeah my bday came and went, just like that. lol.the moment i turned 21, i felt super super super old ,trust me, not a veryy nice feeling, but i enjoyed and embraced it. :)
8.exams started inching nearer and nearer. my laptop lcd gave problems, stil giving problems actually haha.
9. i came into touch with my pri sch senior saravanan. he was interesteeeeed in me.
10. contemplation after oct end, and i decided days before deepavali, it cannot work out. i told him so, adamantly he said he wld stil pursue this issue. i said hmph.
11. deepavali came, whee, i bought more saris.
12. went our more often with my parents, and cousin. it was gd. family fun.
13. dun really remember gg out with my friends much.hmmm. tts sad eh?
14. vik aka white specs went ns in july. he called me a few times here and there, but everything stopped after deepavali.
15. amala, my babydoll,got hospitalised..but she is happily att! so glad for her.
16. devan said he was att, but apparently he lied.
17. my mum went for dental checkups at nuh.
18. i got a new samsung K3Qb touchpad mp3 for my bday.. :) thks daddy. ure da best.
19. It pulled my leg, by pretending to die. the charger got abit muddled, tts all.
20. i had many dreams..many many.
21. studied wit bala in sch a couple of times. also met ranjani in sch.
22. exams were alrite. the studying part was crazy, but not as crazy as STATISTICS!!
23. thinesh asked me whether i had feelings for him. hmm. i said i never saw him that way. his fren was disappointed.
24. i realised my parents meant alot to me, im prepared to throw away other nonsense for them, just for them.
25. hmmm. i got gastric a couple of times.
26. my carnatic teacher praised me and explained my potential to my parents.
27. ryan admitted he stil missed me, and wanted to meet me in dec when hes back frm aussie.
28. i bought moree clothes.
29. i accidently met hema after she returned to spore!
30. realised me and sara are poles apart. in terms of looks, expressions,etc. i mean thoughts wise we may be similar, but that doesnt show anything.
31. ken is flying off on 27th!! going to miss him super super alot :(
32. some of my old old juniors started adding me on friendster! such a nicee feeling.
33. i lost some weight! :)
34. i made new frennnssss. its always gd to widen yr social network!
alot of things, alot of thoughts. but i realised in this journey, that some ppl hv made a very gd impression on my parents till today, while some have never and will never. its sad really, when u get flashbacks. the kind of person uve wanted cannot be there for u anymore, nor can the person(s) who wants u have u. sad eh. as i inch towards 22, i think this life is going to get alot more interesting. tho im technically old, my parents stil think im their cute lil girlie..but i wanna be that way with them, i love being showered with all their love.its okay if they think ive not grown up, cos ill pretend like i haven with them.. but i ll show my true self with others definitely..
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