its funny how when u wanna be yourself, free and easy, how ppl who thought u were only theirs at one pt of time, keep checking on u, again and again, now, when everythings done away with.
like how my friend white specs, til today, kaypos on me and asks if ive found anyone interesting, aka if im attached. he knows he has no chance wadsoever now, cos i ve already made it clear to him, but u know ppl sometimes hold onto that small tinge of hope that one day things wil go like they hv always wanted. i mean i dun blame them. its effort justification. hmm.
that one isnt so bad. i usually laugh it off. but my recent, sara, he has been the most upset. he hasnt had many gal friends, and been att only once. he felt immediate connection with me and felt extremely happy. but when i openly told him i wasn't attracted to him 'that way', he was upset, yes crushed. but he told me he wil try harder, to improve. but u know, there are some things u can never change. for example, height, colour, face structure, voice, energy level (maybe) , body structure so on and so forth. does he have cognitive dissonance? or issit effort justification again at work. but if thats the case, it was just 1 mth plus, so how much effort has it wasted. in my opinion, its not that tangible, but to him i guess its alot, especially since im his 'first love'. groan.
personally, i wld want my partner to be dark. dun get me wrong, ive had insecurity with fairer guys. but i dun want someone absolutely dark!! ive always found tall guys appealing. or atleast slightly taller than me. no need to be 1.8 plus all.. just a comfortable height. he must look smart, decent and captivating. am i asking alot?
well thats for HIS side of the story. he has to love my parents too, treat me like a princess. ok the parents part, ive decided to involve only after many many things are settled.
why issit that when i lied to him i went out with "someone" to eat at simpang bedok, he got soooo uneasy?? if he were to do that with a girl, i wld be happy. dun ask me why, but ill be extermely glad that he is getting to know girls. he kept asking me "suspense is killing me", "tell me now on msn itself who u went with", "issit some one u are seeing", etc etc. i got soo annoyed trust me. i mean i can be going out with anyone and everyone but that doesnt mean there are some strings attached. like that how am i supposed to make time for myself?? and i told him in his face directly, even when i was seeing u, i did get to know others. he was like hmmm, u never tell. i said, well i told u i wil tell if im interested in someone or want to see him rite, just normal friends, acquaintances are not in the list. i mean every single day of my life i wil prob get to know so many ppl, bump into a few, admire some, have a crush on a handful, smile at a couple, etc. does that mean im gg to go for them immediately? sigh.
men wil always be men. if ure successful and very pleasing, (attractive in their dictionary to the opp sex,) they wil find out every possible way to track yr steps, be it verbally asking questions, probing u, suggesting sth to see yr reaction etc, and to see which guy u mite be going out with or have some interest on. i mean that interest cld just mean u admire him or feel excited for him or etc, but they HAVE to take it in a different way. geesh.i totally hate this,esp if ure just my friend and ure tryin to breathe down on me. i mean u may be asking me in the most politest manner possible, but i cant take it, as ive never accepted this code of conduct. thus men wil always be men.
im stil waiting for that exception of course. this wldnt stop me from having dreams of getting married. lets see what i get next. LOL
im meeting sara tml. he has been pleading me to make it. i said ok i hope i can. he said after tml he wont disturb me anymore and its apparently for the best, for both of us. i mean i dun feel the least bit connected to him or anything. my mind is open since before deepavali, and its harbouring thoughts of myself n my family. and he feels he is affecting me, but seriously he is not. i just shun him and his words off sometimes, i dunno why, making time for my own world of thoughts.. selfish yes, but its the funny me at work.
ill blog tml. shall rest my tired brain.
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