pretty much eventful.

I did a ridiculous questionaire last night, and to my horror I got something like “my marriage age is 23”. Are u like freaking kidding me? That’s like in 6mths! Am I supposed to go insane from this minute. Pls.

Anyway, I realised its nearing a year since I last blogged. Time is flying too crazily fast. Ok I keep saying this in every entry and time somehow seems to speed up. Ive been nicely sick the past 2 days, my efforts at getting very much better have been foiled, as I woke up today with a bad nose, and bad throat and a bad stomach. What a lethal combination. I didn’t go for singing class, and as a matter of fact, I felt an ounce of guiltiness when I read the last blog. Esp the bit about how ive been going for singing classes more frequently. Why is it that my nose is always getting blocked, out of the blue? Is it my dad’s genes or because he invisibly passes ME the disease? Or I am just more susceptible to it? I think it’s a combination of factors, I have no clue how long I am supposed to tolerate this.

So yeah, back to the interesting bit about my life. Okay, whats so interesting about it? I ve been doing more outside performances, deepavali, bdays, weddings, ponggal, and also did emceeing. Some politics of singing was at work, people showing some attitude, and taking away my songs, and doing some underground and (overground) activity. You might be wondering what in the world is that? Well, they just shove u pleasing comments and expect u to embrace them almost instantaneously. They say you’re their hero, their star, wadever, and hence they use this as a tool to become your bestest friends. Best friends in this industry is bad. I feel, there should be a clear demarcation of your “rank”, “authority” and duties, from your peers, acquaintaces.

And here comes the funny bit. A boy, erm why I say this, cos he is 23, from the first time he saw me sing, cos he is a singer too, said he likes me. He disclosed me this after spotting me at shows, in which he happened to sing too, after maybe a gd 2-3 mths. He made this revelation in Dec via sms, a few days b4 new year’s day. I didn’t know how to react cos it completely took me off guard. I was thinking, is the cycle starting once again? He openly told me he may never get to be with me, but wanted to be gd frens with me, I said yeah sure why not. And things hit off from there. Nothing much happened till in Mid January, he wanted to pick me up from school, as I was heading towards Little India. He works in a Casket Company, but that particular day he was really free. (It is highly rare for him to shaking leg by the way). So he came, we talked for like 10mins during the ride, and before u knew it, at a traffic junction, he banged the taxi infront of him, lightly. I didn’t even realize it and that must be the joke of the year. The scene was quite nerve wrecking, you know its not everyday u get to witness these things first hand and while you’re uninjured….his number plate came off, his front got scratched and all that but the taxi driver and the taxi suffered nothing. We headed off to grab a quick Burger, but cldnt talk much as he kept getting calls from the taxi driver, the car workshop people, his father, and all .. what an eventful day. I on the other hand felt guilty, that he shld not have picked me up or come over to beach road, and so on. That incident became etched in my memory till today, which is the almost the end of Feb.

Now, we are good friends. A week back, we did an emcee show together. Yes we did have a lot of good chemistry, working with one another. He was relaxed Joe, and I was the fast paced lady at work. Nice combi. He gave me a plastic rose, during a 5min break backstage, and I was quite amused by it. I was observing him here and there,and he was doing his best “bullying” me on stage and passing funny remarks. He kept asking me why I didn’t have a bf, I just didn’t know what to say. A few words forced their way out such as “cant find the one, didn’t have the time….”, which were largely true. The show ended, our Chemistry ended, and I got back, got some gd rest. But our texting continued, he revealed 2 days back that he really liked me, and he didn’t admire me the same way others did. Uh huh. I just said I appreciated that. And he said that was enough for him for now. Agreed.

I definitely don’t wish to or hope to take things to another level, but he can be a nice enough person to have a gd laughter with and feel comfortable with. Yesterday he was nice enough to text me, find out how my day was, and whether Ive taken my medi. Good signs for a gd, close friendship I must say. i am usually the most pessimistic when it comes to relationships, any form or kind. I keep a cool head, mostly, cos no point thinking too much about anything. As for him, i appreciate it and treasure him as my friend. If he has gd intentions and a clean heart, our bond is here to stay.....

My nose is dripping. I feel quite lousy. The whole night I was just lying in bed, awake, and my mind whirring through a thousand thoughts. This is precisely why I hate being sick. Ok I shall just go for an eye shutter before I leave my house at 1015am for tuition.

bunch of rant.

i know i haven fed my blog in months. i cant believe time is flying so fast. im like one day from my exams and i can stil blog. funny me. maybe im just abit tired. well the past 4-5months have been pretty smooth, in terms of studies, tuition, singing, going for internship interviews, having a few gatherings, spending time with family and all that, yeah.

vday was the best. i had a gd night out with mavis dearest, and as night creeped it, her fren and my fren joined us, for a short while, b4 we all decided to head back home. it was a funny day really, and i love every minute that i spend with her. truly, its a bond thats going to go really far and long, trust me! and yes, our grad proj has been more or less finalised, and we are going to be together for a year! its a great feeling, working alongside and together with a lovely girl. =)

and den i started attending singing practices more frequently. teacher was very happy with my performances, and my singing abilities. i just wanna show her my everything and prove her that her efforts on me will never ever be wasted!

right now, i am just quite immune to alot of things. basically issues about commitment, marraige etc. i mean,yeah ure getting older, and soon ill be 22, and den 23 and all that, but commitment is such a scary word. One moment u think someone will be this and that, and the next moment, it all seems like a dream when some funny, wierd side of the person surfaces. u are just thrown aside, in shock or in relief.i dunno.

some ppl are generally always the same, they appear and disappear momentarily, and you have those silent moments in your life where u guys dont really communicate, but yea after a couple of months u decide to pick up the phone, and ring them to hear their voice. you know that u haven fully made them happy, and yes the other party also knows ure getting to know others. so whats the big deal?

its a funny game, the game of securing someone forever. i dun wanna use the word love, cos till now i dun really know how to define it or what it feels like. yes i have felt those hormone rushes and crushes, but is that love? of course not. i feel that when some things are meant to happen, they will. i mean, someone can be really persistent with stuff, but thats not going to make things turn out in his favour. some people keep saying "u know, i have always wanted to live with u, why are u always bringing your parents in..", i mean yeah when i hear that i get abit relieved, but den once i head back home, i think abt them again, and whatever this particular person told me hours ago, just doesnt stay in my head. i think i selectively choose what to hear and what not to retain. Am i plain stubborn?

i mean. its like if u were really serious about me, number 1, fight for me. fight for this thing, like uve never. But, if u are making more friends, doesnt really prove anything to me. if u tell me ure a natural girl magnet and ...its unsettling me. emotional infidelity is in question, isnt it. if ure going to lay back and relax and say, i know we are meant to be together, and just dun really do much..than what am i going to think? i mean yeah, u stil got so much growing up to do, u ve gotta finish sch, get a job..etc..so many hurdles, of cos i cant imagine u fighting for this. its love, after all, that uve wanted..physical intimacy, am i right to say? but i cant give all that..i cannot do that.

as i type this, i do realise im a complicated person. i think ive just seen so much in life, than im scared to start talking about my experiences to just about anyone at times. its true, ive made friends along the way, friends who ill keep for a long time, but i doubt if they will ever be my best friends. its funny, u know, how different people react at different times. just when u mite be trying to mend your relationship with someone, u know very well they are harbouring "getting attached" intentions with someone else. its scary rite..

i dun go out and tell someone, look here im interested in u, lets date, or better still, lets get attached. No! Hell No. i dun do that. i tell them, look u seem like a nice enough person. i appreciate you. thanks ..and lets be gd friends. if the friendship is going well, ill tell them , ure a nice person and i like u as a person.. and thats why i feel there is something gd about our friendship.

But..its always a battle really. ive seen so many different ppl, listened to many, talked to alot, had dinner with many. my mum will always ask me, why do u go out with guys, why not girls. i find that a funny question, like redundant. but really, i see and experience many more things with them i guess. they dont affect me personally, but i build up my self when with guys. with girls, my self doesnt really undergo much change or growth i guess, it just solidifies and remains kinda stable. but with guys, i end up questioning myself alot, i reveal a couple of things here and there, and listen to their experiences and thoughts about ppl and abt girls in general. i dunno, i just see more qualitative experiences with them i guess. they are one of the reasons for who i am today.. i may never have been this way if not for the guys ive mixed with. they taught me alot of things, from confidence, to maturity, to walking styles, to the way i talk, to the way i shld open up and the way i smile, also the way i dress.. just so many. its funny huh.

i know, this is just a huge bunch of rant. i am just feverishly typing here. just to get the load of my brain. i just want to be happy. and i just dun wanna mix with anyone who might harm my reputation or my success in any way possible. my life is at stake here.

tsk tsk

its been a wonderful few weeks. thus far ive slept quite alot, dealt with my cramps very effectively, hung out with my close grp of galfrens and had a few outings, like iceskating for hours,hanging out at eateries in tekka, watching a movie at yishun that was totally fun, chilling out session at starbucks and running into a few other ole time friends there, shopping for prezzies, attending my friend's 21st at a chalet and the list will stretch in the coming days with more plans taking place.. its been blissful really.

i must say i haven had proper meet-ups with my close psych gang of friends..the gang is dispersing.perhaps noone really initiates anything..i dun blame them or anything.. like what kenneth says, its not much of gang already.everyone has their own lives, friends, bfs, family, work, etc to attend to. so what does that leave us with? Today's much awaited simpang bedok outing was postponed. i hope it somehow takes place soon, but i mite be wrong. on the 27th ,one member of our "gang" leaves for seattle. our grp identity has faded, and it nears extinction soon, as we approach the start of our last year. this wasn't sth we had expected, once we were those twinkle eyed grp of freshies, making strong bonds.what has happened now? or am i thinking too much ,like kenneth? :(

i have a fear..a fear i wont get the kind of honours beside my BA(psych). getting a degree is one thing..but i hv always wanted to do my masters. i mean, its not impossible. but looking at the way things are going (stupid Stats..and the ever smart ppl in psych), i am suddenly afraid. this fear has been plaguing me ever since Stats came into my life last sem, and now the fear seems to hv multiplied as i near the end.. i always wanna make my parents proud..i just dun want to end up with some third class, no point in getting, hons. haiz.

and today, i was thinking, why not be a teacher. go to NIE after getting my degree, and after 2 yrs ill be at some sec sch teaching. i can do that part time while working somewhere else as a counsellor or sth, if its possible. i do feel the calling to be a teacher...especially since i see so much i can do with my kids, why not do it as a profession?

the raging emotions in ppl, i think.

its funny how when u wanna be yourself, free and easy, how ppl who thought u were only theirs at one pt of time, keep checking on u, again and again, now, when everythings done away with.

like how my friend white specs, til today, kaypos on me and asks if ive found anyone interesting, aka if im attached. he knows he has no chance wadsoever now, cos i ve already made it clear to him, but u know ppl sometimes hold onto that small tinge of hope that one day things wil go like they hv always wanted. i mean i dun blame them. its effort justification. hmm.

that one isnt so bad. i usually laugh it off. but my recent, sara, he has been the most upset. he hasnt had many gal friends, and been att only once. he felt immediate connection with me and felt extremely happy. but when i openly told him i wasn't attracted to him 'that way', he was upset, yes crushed. but he told me he wil try harder, to improve. but u know, there are some things u can never change. for example, height, colour, face structure, voice, energy level (maybe) , body structure so on and so forth. does he have cognitive dissonance? or issit effort justification again at work. but if thats the case, it was just 1 mth plus, so how much effort has it wasted. in my opinion, its not that tangible, but to him i guess its alot, especially since im his 'first love'. groan.

personally, i wld want my partner to be dark. dun get me wrong, ive had insecurity with fairer guys. but i dun want someone absolutely dark!! ive always found tall guys appealing. or atleast slightly taller than me. no need to be 1.8 plus all.. just a comfortable height. he must look smart, decent and captivating. am i asking alot?

well thats for HIS side of the story. he has to love my parents too, treat me like a princess. ok the parents part, ive decided to involve only after many many things are settled.

why issit that when i lied to him i went out with "someone" to eat at simpang bedok, he got soooo uneasy?? if he were to do that with a girl, i wld be happy. dun ask me why, but ill be extermely glad that he is getting to know girls. he kept asking me "suspense is killing me", "tell me now on msn itself who u went with", "issit some one u are seeing", etc etc. i got soo annoyed trust me. i mean i can be going out with anyone and everyone but that doesnt mean there are some strings attached. like that how am i supposed to make time for myself?? and i told him in his face directly, even when i was seeing u, i did get to know others. he was like hmmm, u never tell. i said, well i told u i wil tell if im interested in someone or want to see him rite, just normal friends, acquaintances are not in the list. i mean every single day of my life i wil prob get to know so many ppl, bump into a few, admire some, have a crush on a handful, smile at a couple, etc. does that mean im gg to go for them immediately? sigh.

men wil always be men. if ure successful and very pleasing, (attractive in their dictionary to the opp sex,) they wil find out every possible way to track yr steps, be it verbally asking questions, probing u, suggesting sth to see yr reaction etc, and to see which guy u mite be going out with or have some interest on. i mean that interest cld just mean u admire him or feel excited for him or etc, but they HAVE to take it in a different way. geesh.i totally hate this,esp if ure just my friend and ure tryin to breathe down on me. i mean u may be asking me in the most politest manner possible, but i cant take it, as ive never accepted this code of conduct. thus men wil always be men.

im stil waiting for that exception of course. this wldnt stop me from having dreams of getting married. lets see what i get next. LOL

im meeting sara tml. he has been pleading me to make it. i said ok i hope i can. he said after tml he wont disturb me anymore and its apparently for the best, for both of us. i mean i dun feel the least bit connected to him or anything. my mind is open since before deepavali, and its harbouring thoughts of myself n my family. and he feels he is affecting me, but seriously he is not. i just shun him and his words off sometimes, i dunno why, making time for my own world of thoughts.. selfish yes, but its the funny me at work.

ill blog tml. shall rest my tired brain.

after july. till now.

its been many months.. from july til now, many things hv taken plc in my life. a short summary.

1. i started semester 1 of my third year. and boy, it was a ride to remember, honestly. taking all of us by shock and causing us many many many sleepless nights. we went feverish and giddy to school, especially every thurs cos of statistics!!! gosh, that was one hell of a module..every week had to submit a report..not one, not two pages, but a hefty 10-15page long report!!

2. i went for a hosting audition. i think i was successful, i dunno, hv to wait til they call me up.. my fellow friend, also having my name, ended up in a food show.. really cool stuff..

3. i got called up for some shoots for tamil dramas and all. went for a couple

4. my tuition schedule got even moreeeee hectic, with 6 kids to manage!!! and two having Os..u know how demanding it all became!? everyone wanted a part of me!!

5. i had a two day sch week. u all must be saying, unfair. but let me tell u, there were many many cons to it. i mean, yeah i got more sleep, which is undescribably impt for me, but i had many many more obligations, such as tuition and singing lessons.

6. i had temple performances to do, in sept.

7. oh yeah my bday came and went, just like that. lol.the moment i turned 21, i felt super super super old ,trust me, not a veryy nice feeling, but i enjoyed and embraced it. :)

8.exams started inching nearer and nearer. my laptop lcd gave problems, stil giving problems actually haha.

9. i came into touch with my pri sch senior saravanan. he was interesteeeeed in me.

10. contemplation after oct end, and i decided days before deepavali, it cannot work out. i told him so, adamantly he said he wld stil pursue this issue. i said hmph.

11. deepavali came, whee, i bought more saris.

12. went our more often with my parents, and cousin. it was gd. family fun.

13. dun really remember gg out with my friends much.hmmm. tts sad eh?

14. vik aka white specs went ns in july. he called me a few times here and there, but everything stopped after deepavali.

15. amala, my babydoll,got hospitalised..but she is happily att! so glad for her.

16. devan said he was att, but apparently he lied.

17. my mum went for dental checkups at nuh.

18. i got a new samsung K3Qb touchpad mp3 for my bday.. :) thks daddy. ure da best.

19. It pulled my leg, by pretending to die. the charger got abit muddled, tts all.

20. i had many dreams..many many.

21. studied wit bala in sch a couple of times. also met ranjani in sch.

22. exams were alrite. the studying part was crazy, but not as crazy as STATISTICS!!

23. thinesh asked me whether i had feelings for him. hmm. i said i never saw him that way. his fren was disappointed.

24. i realised my parents meant alot to me, im prepared to throw away other nonsense for them, just for them.

25. hmmm. i got gastric a couple of times.

26. my carnatic teacher praised me and explained my potential to my parents.

27. ryan admitted he stil missed me, and wanted to meet me in dec when hes back frm aussie.

28. i bought moree clothes.

29. i accidently met hema after she returned to spore!

30. realised me and sara are poles apart. in terms of looks, expressions,etc. i mean thoughts wise we may be similar, but that doesnt show anything.

31. ken is flying off on 27th!! going to miss him super super alot :(

32. some of my old old juniors started adding me on friendster! such a nicee feeling.

33. i lost some weight! :)

34. i made new frennnssss. its always gd to widen yr social network!



alot of things, alot of thoughts. but i realised in this journey, that some ppl hv made a very gd impression on my parents till today, while some have never and will never. its sad really, when u get flashbacks. the kind of person uve wanted cannot be there for u anymore, nor can the person(s) who wants u have u. sad eh. as i inch towards 22, i think this life is going to get alot more interesting. tho im technically old, my parents stil think im their cute lil girlie..but i wanna be that way with them, i love being showered with all their love.its okay if they think ive not grown up, cos ill pretend like i haven with them.. but i ll show my true self with others definitely..

it has been a hectic week.

i met him on sunday, but time flew. initially wanted to meet at 1pm, but u see i cldnt get up in the morning and my tuition was frm 1230-2pm, and after that the bus took years to come and i reached tamp mrt at like a wonderful 315pm. so by the time i reached cityhall was, 340pm! HHHHHAIX. anti-climax. he had to leave abt 6plus to head home for some family dinner thing, so u see, we had VERY LITTLE time left to spend. cldnt even catch a movie. the much awaited day was suddenly so boring, sigh.. we just went to Dhoby,PS, had lunch. i, as usual, wil take really long to eat remember, so i ended my meal at 5pm. and den after that headed to arcade, he was playing some soccer game so i sat down beside him and watched him do his stuff. it was fun.. i enjoyed it, this carried on til 530pm, he was all excited over the match and i was giving him encouragement :) after that we took a bus ride to Jurong East, i was talking to him so much on the bus..he said e thing he liked most abt me was my frankness.


and well alot of nice things were said that day. it was memorable, tho short. time just flew.

of course he likes to argue with me at times, and i do too, but i guess there is sth that makes us give in or to laugh it off..

wedding plus monday 02/07/07

is this meeeeee? :D look different again eh?

warm greetings to one and all.

<<>

so lemme see back to the entry proper.. i went for my bestie's wedding on sat. all along i was thinking sun, luckily my fren veena gave me an sms reminder! anyway, yeah it was great stuff, but only prob is i cldnt get the freaking taxi after waiting frm 7pm til nearly 8pm, gave up , got exasperated and took train to dhoby, took a quick walk towards the tank road temple,and to my dismay the groom had tied the thali around the neck of my BESTIE! i was abit devastated upon receiving this news via sms from my other fren who got to witness the entire proceedings frm 730pm, just when i was stone's throw away from the temple. oh well. had dinner with her and mum. went to say our congratulations to groom and bride. i nearly wanted to tear but was holding back. i felt happy but at the same time afraid for her, overwhelmed..like who wldnt be?! she was matchmade.. and how much can u understand the to-be husband from late jan til june, while most of the time he is overseas and makes calls each day to you? haiz. is she prepared for this?? she is only 23+..and best part, she has to leave for US in one week. and hence they are celebrating their honeymoon at Sentosa... hope everything works well for them. i really wish them all the best in this. may they have a great married life.. :) but ill really miss my bestie. sigh.... :-(

anyway, so today is monday. guess wad happened??? after school. well lets not start from there. halfway thru my biochem molecules lecture, my phone died! urgh! yucks! ok enuff emotions there. well so like i already fixed cck tuition at 7plus 8pm and planned to meet my dear "white-specs" after his work at 6pm. so u see, when your phone dies, life is kinda tough. i had to use the public phone in school to re-establish contact with my mum and dad, cos they went to the polyclinic. mum has high cholesterol, so i was wondering wad her test results would show. my mum easily gets worried these days, esp when it comes to health matters, but he wld put up a brave front tho mum and i know deep inside he is afraid of wad he was gg to hear and so forth. so yeah, things were fine, heard mum has to take a pill for a mth and see how the situation is. the doc scared her by saying if things persist and she doesnt take medication, she might get *touchwood* stroke,heart attack etc. sigh. the things she has to tell her. so den called my dear and he was like "your phone died so fast!? anyway ill call u once i end work. my phone also one bar. we wil meet at 615-630pm at jurong east control if we cant contact each other.." so thats all. from 130pm i was waiting for time to pass. tutorial was good. i cld answer most of the questions just after one glance at them.. and den during break was planning my timetable. plan 1 is gd. plan 2 abit odd. so need to sort that out soooon. den 430pm enjoyed a mcflurry with my frens and took bus to boonlay. so u see, i was on the train reaching bv at 525pm. far too early. so i gave him a call, but his phone was dead already. sigh. i was abit worried. but i persisted, went to outram, called him frm there, again nth, so i was convinced his phone was dead for sure.. more worried now. i was re-assuring myself. i was telling myself that if God really thought we shld meet, he wld let us. so yeah, at 610pm i reached the agreed upon meeting spot, JE control. i gave a call again, my heart wasnt at rest yet, again it went to his voice mail. i dunno, sending him a voicemail actually made me feel slightly better. urgh. so den. i was just standing there, making myself calm and keeping a lookout for him. it was 615pm. sigh.. nowhere in sight. alot of random people entering..where is he? maybe i missed him already. well lets see...

so at 617pm, my dear comes out of the gantry! he looks around, but doesnt see me walking towards him, i was elated.. and den as i was nearing him, he saw me and started smiling. but i realised he was really very tired. sigh. so den i was narrating to him about wad all i was doing frm 525pm and how i thought i might not get to see him etc, and he was telling me how he thought i wldnt come to JE at the given time..haiz. it felt really good. we had that connection that told us each of us would make it a point to be there for each other.so wad if our HPs die on us!?haha. took a short ride to CCK via bus. thedriver took so long to come and i was talking so much to him.. i was just going on and on and on, and he was listening and replyin patiently. he was tired.. and den we bought drinks at CCK , sat down and talked somemore..it was 750pm. so it was time to leave.. in the end my tuition girl cldnt make it. so we took a ride back to boonlay together. and he was miserably late for dance prac.. we reached boonlay closeto 9pm!


it was a good day. really.. :)

thrs a reason for some things to happen this way. everyday i learn new things. and today i did too. some things he told me made me reflect. hmmm.i never thought someone telling me things wld make me think so much til today... :) its a new experience for me.. truly.and i like going thru this.. esp when u feel secure every moment u think abt the person.. ive never felt it before. but now i sincerely do.




























anyway..here are some pics from the wedding day!..













Me and my mummy..looking pretty together.








veena girl and me, abit blur outside temple..blurr.







me at home after the tiring day..slack pose.. :D